A Pinterest-Sized Failure...

...is how I feel sometimes.  
Not an artsy bone in this body.
I'm the one that draws the same as I did in elementary school. My artistic level did not develop after 4th grade.
I received a B in art in 5th grade.
Seriously. B. In art. In elementary school. 
Failure.
My art projects (if you could call them that) got laughed at in college. 
I refuse to go to pottery places where you paint the little vases and bowls, because I make a complete mess of it. Every time.
So imagine my excitement at Pinterest making DIY projects an every day thing for many of my friends.
Not. Excited.
What I can relate to is Pinstrosity. The website where they show the Pinterest projects gone wrong.
I am not against Pinterest - at all.  In fact, I have my own boards and love to look at the pretty pictures and the things people come up with.
What I am not a fan of is the feeling Pinterest can give me (if I let it). Not just Pinterest, but anything else that makes me feel inferior...all of this stuff that is striving for perfection.
I missed the Valentine's party at Baileigh's school because I was at work. Every other parent (including dads) were there.  (Like, seriously, I know other people work...) Thankfully, my mom was able to go in my place. But the fact remained that I felt like all of the other parents think badly of me.  Like, is her child not important enough that she wouldn't take off of work to be here? 



Failure heaping upon failure. 

Pretty much every aspect of my life: work, ministry, marriage, parenting, relationships...failure upon failure upon failure. Heaping on me. Making me want to crawl in a hole.
But there is this verse in my favorite book.  I've been reminding myself over and over and over of this verse.  The Author of this Book happens to know everything about me, and low and behold, He still loves me. So much that He wrote this Book and this verse for me. And for you too. Because I have a feeling you've felt like I do a time or two.
Galatians 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

And there it is. I don't have to please the parents of students in Baileigh's class (Amen for that!) I don't have to be good at art. God doesn't care that I got laughed at in college.  He doesn't care that people might judge me or think I'm a dork (which I am, but it's okay) or that I fail at DIY projects.  I don't think He cares that Carley and Baileigh's Valentines that they take to school are going to be just the normal, store-bought Valentines and not the oh-so-cute Valentines that are home-made and adorable.  
Praise God!  He loves me!  And I definitely don't deserve it.  But I am so thankful for His love!
Take that Pinterest.  And while you're at it, will you teach me how to build pull out shelves for my pantry? 

Jesus Desires Mercy not Sacrifice

Matthew 9:13 (Jesus speaking) "But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy, not sacrifice.  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 12:7 (Jesus speaking) "If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent."

Hosea 6:4-6 "What can I do with you, Ephraim?  What can I do with you, Judah?  Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears.  Therefore, I cut you into pieces with my prophets, I killed you with words of my mouth, my judgments flashed like lightning upon you.  For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."

Micah 6:6-8 "With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God?  Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old?  Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil?  Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?  He has showed you, O man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and You'll recover your life."

Below is my journal entry from October 12, 2012. 

Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Oh, God, help me not forget who I am trying to please! I am to please you and You alone!  I don't have to please anyone else.  God, how do I please you without being "married to the law?"  I guess the first step is learning what pleases You.  

(Upon searching through Jesus' NT teachings, God brought me to Matthew 5:3-12...The Beautitudes)

Poor in spirit/Mournful
Meek
Hunger and thirst for righteousness
Merciful
Pure in heart
Peacemakers
Don't hate others
Don't lust
Manage your "multiple" personalities
Love your enemies
Pray in secret
Store treasures for Heaven
Don't worry
Don't judge others
Ask, seek, knock
Repent!  Matt 11:20-24

Rest in Him!  Matt 11:28-30 (from The Message): 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion?  Come to me. Get away with me and You'll recover your life."

Journal Entries

For 2013, I want to start sharing some of the things I've written in my journal.  I completed my 3rd half marathon on December 1, 2012.  This is what I wrote in my journal on that morning:

Race Day!
Dear God,
You can see me this morning - nerves and all! God, I pray that I will honor and glorify you as I run this race. It's unto You.  Let me run with perseverance the race set out for me. Let me run and not grow weary. Let me walk and not faint. Help me keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.  God-what do you want me to learn about You today?

 God answered my prayer!  Here is what I wrote on Monday, December 3rd:

How is a half marathon like our spiritual journey?

• We all start at the same place (even if some start further back than others...)
• You can start to feel weary even at the beginning (but it's easier to push through because you're not exhausted yet!)
• There are others running the race that are pretty annoying; their sweaty arms might brush against mine.  But I forgive them.  Why? Because I realize that we are all working our booty off for one common goal: to finish this race!
• It doesn't matter what language you speak.  Anyone can run.  (In fact, there were 2 people from China running, and I overheard them speaking Chinese to each other on the course.)
• The water/Gatorade stops are like an oasis in the desert.  Oh, how wonderful to see that table with drinks!  Take a rest if it's offered, but get back into the race quick!
• You get really, really, really tired. And hungry!!! Your tummy makes noises that tell you to please feed it.  Your whole body hurts.  At some point, it doesn't matter if you run or walk - both hurt so much.  You must keep going.  Because there IS a finish line. You may have not seen it, but you know it's there.  Close to the end of the race, you see people that have already crossed the finish line.  They come back to the sidelines to cheer you on.  They are smiling, and look so happy!  So you keep pushing, because you know you'll get there, too.
• There are people holding signs along the path.  Some are meant to encourage you.  Some are just ugly.  Ignore the ugly (they will zap your energy if you dwell on them) and open your heart to the lovely (they will give you a shot of energy to keep going).

Thank you, God! 

What do we do after Christmas?

I've decided the week between Christmas and New Year's is absolutely the most depressing week. EVER. All of the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over; suddenly, there are no more parties.  The presents have been opened; you've stuffed yourself with so much food that even eating no longer sounds appealing.  You've paused and reflected on the Christmas story numerous times; your decorations and tree are starting to look droopy.  Your children have played with their new stuff so much that some of it's already broken. 
Are you depressed yet?
Maybe the depression after Christmas is the reason New Year's resolutions are so appealing.  We are so down in the dumps over Christmas being over that the only thing we know to do is day dream. Day dream about what we will do in the new year, the new person we'll become, all the wonderful things we'll accomplish.
I, for one, don't want to make a bunch of goals and resolutions out of depression.  I am going to pray that God leads me toward the places I need to go, and away from the things that are coming from a selfish heart. Dear God, as the Christmas season comes to a close, please keep me from dwelling on negative thoughts.  Help me look to You and all that You have for us in the new year.  I commit myself and my family to You, Lord.  Here I am...

There Are No Words

There are no words.
No words to bring comfort.
No words to bring peace.
No words to give answers.

As the mom of a 6-year old girl that's in first grade, I have been deeply effected by the events that took place in Connecticut on Friday.  Thoughts have been swirling in my head.  These mommies that lost their children...what are they going through?  How did they tell their other children that their brother or sister is not coming home?  What about the next day, when the children left in the home don't understand why their sibling is not there to play with them?  How do you plan a funeral for your first grader?  How do you pick out clothes for the family to wear to that funeral?

There are no words.

What about the Christmas program at church that they've been practicing for months?  What about the birthday party that they were planning?

There are no words.

What about the house, when it's so quiet, missing the sound of their little ones feet happily running around? The sound of them playing with their favorite toy? The sound of their voice, asking for a snack?

What about the fear their child must have felt when they saw a man holding a gun? What were the last thoughts of their child?  Were they able to think of happy memories, or were they just so terrified that no thoughts came to their minds?

There are no words.

What about that Christmas present that they bought on Black Friday, hiding it from their little one's sight for several weeks, but secretly so excited to see them open it on Christmas morning?  What about all of the family plans and traditions that were being planned for this very week? This very night?  The Christmas pajamas that they had been wearing.  The toys they loved to play with. Their clothes that still carry their scent. Their bedroom and bed that still holds a sense of their presence.

There are no words.

Oh, dear Lord...I am so heartbroken for these mommies and daddies, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, church families, that are mourning right now.  God, please hold them together.  Give them strength to get through each moment.  When they think they can't go on, when their heart is aching so much that they just want to rip it from their chests, God please, please hold them together.

And Jesus, please kiss those precious children for all of us remaining on earth that never met them, but feel so connected to them.  Hold them in your arms, and let them play games and be free and have fun.

And help me, Lord, to never, at any time, take for granted my little girls.  Let me remember that they could be taken from me at any moment.  They belong to You.  You blessed me in letting me care for them while we are on this earth.  Thank you for reminding me that their lives, their smiles, their laughs, their hugs and their love are the very best blessings you have bestowed on me this Christmas.

Oh, God...there are no words.

Honesty. Definitely the Best Policy.

Is honesty always the best policy?

I was recently asked this question as it relates to marriage.  My answer - yes and no.  Yes, honesty is the best policy if there has been hurt that needs healing; honesty is best if you have sinned and are repenting; honesty is best when telling your spouse why you fell in love with them, how wonderful they are, and how grateful you are that God brought you together. 
Honesty sometimes is not the best policy in marriage.  It is not becoming of a husband or wife to comment to their significant other how "good looking" or "hot" another is...even if it's someone famous that you'll never meet.  And even if your spouse claims they don't care.  It's best to just not go there. Honesty is not best when comparing your spouse to someone else.  Honesty is not best if it's pointing out all of the negative things about your spouse.
So often, we think we can say whatever we want, as long as we tag a "just being honest," or a "just sayin'" at the end of our comment. (Lysa Terkeurst, Unglued.)
This is not true.
Our tongue can do serious damage.
We must learn to control it.
We must force it to be quiet.
Those are the times when honesty is not the best policy.
But when honesty is the best policy -
we must force our tongue to speak - in love.
This is true for marriage. It's true with our children. And it's true for our friends - no matter if it's your best friend, just a good friend, or an acquaintance. 
You're hurt.  Your found out your friends went to that Farmer's Market (or the mall, or to lunch, or...fill in the blank) that they know you've been dying to go to, and they didn't invite you.  You feel like you've been punched in the gut.  In the book Grown Up Girlfriends, they describe this as an emotional fear button. There are certain things that happen to you that push this emotional fear button, and it causes a reaction in you that is physical.  This physical reaction can, in fact, point you to your emotional fear button - so any time you feel punched in the gut by something someone did or said, you know that your emotional fear button has been pushed.
Everyone has emotional fear buttons.
For some, it's the fear of being rejected.
For others, it's the fear that nobody could truly like you.
For me, it's all of the above.
I am so sad when I see girls my age that get so hurt by other girls.  (Yes...I am 32 going on 33, and my friends are all around the same age...and we are still girls!) And then they are afraid to speak up, because who wants to be that one that is always getting their feelings hurt?  I've been there - and I sure don't!  So we sit and stew in our silence.
Our silence of rejection.
Our silence of fear.
That silence can destroy us.  It can destroy our relationships.
This is when we must force our tongues to speak.
Pick up the cell phone.  DON'T TEXT!  Instead, find your friend's name on your contact list (you don't even have to punch in a phone number anymore - it's so easy!) and hit the call button.  Have a conversation with your friend.  A real, honest conversation. Not out of anger, or passing a judgment on your friend that you really have no idea if it's true or not.  But a gut-honest conversation.  It might go something like this: "You know, I've gotta tell you...I was hurt that I didn't get invited to the Farmer's Market with you...and I just need to know if there's a reason that I wasn't asked to go along.  And if there is a reason, I would like to know how I can help fix it."
Your friend might respond with something that will take you by total surprise.  Perhaps she had no idea you were free to go anywhere (because you're regularly a pretty busy person!) Maybe there is a reason you weren't asked, an issue you may not have been aware of.  Not that you are unliked; not that you are not good enough; not that you are rejected.  If you feel safe in the relationship, you will have the ability to be honest without fear of the other person rejecting you.
I encourage you to force your tongue to speak - or force your tongue to be quiet.  And before you decide which is the best thing to do for your particular situation - spend a moment asking Jesus what He thinks you should do.